Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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