We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
