Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
