definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
