I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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