Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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