i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
