My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
