I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
