Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
