I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
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Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.