I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
