dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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