Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
