I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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