he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
