this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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