You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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