i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
