meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
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Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.