wanna go halves on a baby?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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