dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
