I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
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Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
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the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬