Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window