OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
