next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
