Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
