Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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