peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
