2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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