Cold hands, warm shart.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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