I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
