she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.