did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.