here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
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you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
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Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.