woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms