he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.