We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.