I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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