I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
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He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
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I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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