I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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