Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
