"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
