I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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