Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
