my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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