I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
