He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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