Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
