Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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