Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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