Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
