Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
