One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
