i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
