I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
