note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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