you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
