3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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