I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
