Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
