dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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